Title: The Other Side of Missions
Word count: 3305
Warning: Dark-ish in parts (in particular the third section, which includes sex that might make you a bit nervous if you are very sensitve to consent issues)
Summary: They'd made out wildly on a mission over a month ago. But they had never talked about it.
Note: Written for the cuddling challenge and for the prompt festival for my November prompt table. Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta!
The Other Side of Missions
"[...] SGA1 were invited to join the harvest festivities, out of gratitude for their help in restoring the shield. [...]"
As harvest festivals went, this was one of the better ones. The food was good. The Suterk understood the concept of allergies. It was a warm night and the ale had made Rodney feel even warmer.
Sheppard was lying next to him, the Suterk only used chairs for the formal part of the meal, looking quite content himself.
Rodney watched him. He was playing with a bit of straw, eyes roaming over the singing and dancing that was going on. Then he started smiling.
Rodney tensed. He didn't even have to look up to see what that smile meant. That particular "Hey there, pretty lady, I've come from the city of the Ancients, would you mind showing me the way to your heart?" smile. She had long, curly hair, brunette, a wide smile and long legs that were only partially covered by the traditional dress.
She kept throwing Sheppard glances as she danced around and around. Sheppard toasted every time she danced past them.
When the dance was over and she came over to them, smiling brightly.
"Would you like to dance?" she asked Sheppard, not even sparing a glance at Rodney.
"Ah, no thank you. I could never do you jussstice," Sheppard slurred.
The woman bowed politely and left. Rodney looked at Sheppard.
"Why didn't you go with her? I don't think she would have minded if you'd tripped and fell on her." In fact, she'd probably welcome it. Rodney tried not to be too bitter about it.
"She's just-" Sheppard made a vague hand gesture.
"Oh, she's not good enough for you," Rodney said and now he knew he sounded bitter. "Was her hair too curly? Didn't you like the color of her dress?"
Sheppard turned to him, glaring. But Rodney was a little bit too drunk to let it go.
"What does it take to bag the great Colonel Sheppard?"
Sheppard's eyes narrowed and Rodney shifted uncomfortably. He didn't seem drunk at all now, just staring at Rodney. Rodney held his gaze and lifted his chin defiantly.
What came next happened so fast that Rodney didn't realize it until he felt Sheppard's mouth on his. When he opened his mouth in surprise and possibly protest, a tongue pushed in.
Rodney later remembered the feel of hands around his wrists, a leg between his thighs and that Sheppard's breath was hot and humid.
"[...] Ronon and Teyla were severely injured in the ensuing fight. [...]"
Rodney followed John out of the infirmary. Teyla and Ronon would make it with nothing more than a few battle scars as a result of the deep cuts inflicted on them when they'd protected Rodney as he helped Sheppard make it to the gate.
Rodney didn't have to look at Sheppard to know that he felt guilty.
"Wait," he called after him, but Sheppard just walked on, the injury to his side minor compared to those of Ronon and Teyla.
Rodney caught up with him and put his hand on Sheppard's arm, turning him back.
"McKay," he said in a voice full of warning and weariness.
Rodney looked at him, unable to say anything. He could say it wasn't John's fault, but in the world of Sheppard everything was his fault. He could say they'd be fine, but John knew that and it didn't make their suffering better.
He could say, "You don't have to be alone now," but Rodney had no idea what Sheppard would say to that. They'd kissed. They'd made out wildly on a mission over a month ago. But they had never talked about it.
It was as if it had never happened and sometimes Rodney wondered if it hadn't been just an extremely vivid dream.
Sheppard turned away again, but Rodney didn't let go off his arm. Sheppard spun around and stared at him.
Rodney stood his ground.
Then all the hardness in Sheppard's eyes dissolved and there was only desperation. He grabbed Rodney by the vest and pulled him along to the next supply closet.
It was completely dark and again, Rodney didn't know what was going on until he felt Sheppard's mouth on his. This time he opened up for Sheppard's tongue.
Their panting seemed incredibly loud to Rodney's ears.
When Sheppard groped around for Rodney's fly, Rodney yelped. Then Sheppard dropped to his knees and swallowed down Rodney's dick as soon as he'd freed it.
"Oh God," Rodney whispered.
Sheppard whimpered and started moving up and down Rodney's rapidly hardening cock.
Rodney had fantasized about this. Ever since that harvest festival, and if he was honest with himself even before that, his masturbation fantasies were about John. John sucking him, kissing him, touching him, fucking him.
He'd never even been with a man. Well, he hadn't before today.
He wished he could see John. Carefully he let his hand drop to John's shoulder and then let it wander to his neck and into his hair. He held John's head, softly; he didn't want to be impolite.
Sheppard moaned, humming around the head of Rodney's dick and Rodney couldn't help the small thrust of his hips. John held his cock firmly, stroking him, while he sucked the head for a while.
It was almost surreal.
The small room was completely dark. The air was getting thick. Rodney briefly wondered why the ventilation hadn't kicked in yet. Maybe it felt warmer than it was because he was still wearing his vest and everything else. Or maybe it was because John Sheppard was sucking his cock in a way that made Rodney sweat more than the run for the gate had.
The sensation of John's tongue sliding over him, of his lips tight around him, spread through Rodney's entire body.
He had both hands in John's hair now, caressing him while he moved steadily up and down his cock.
Rodney's grip tightened a bit when John started stroking him harder and faster, concentrating on the head. He started humming again or moaning or something in between and Rodney didn't think he could hold on for much longer.
John said something around his dick. At first, Rodney didn't understand it, but then John repeated it, again and again and Rodney realized that it was his name.
He froze. Holding John's head lightly, he pushed into John's mouth. "God, John." Then he lifted his hands and tried to pull away, but John followed him and sucked him in deep as Rodney came, shooting spurt after spurt down John's throat.
When John had milked him completely dry, he licked one last time along Rodney's softened dick, then tucked him back into his boxers and redid his fly.
Rodney was still breathing heavily.
John got up and kissed him again, sticking his tongue down Rodney's throat. Rodney groaned as he tasted his own come. His hands found John's hair again and he pulled him close and deepened the kiss.
John pressed into him and Rodney could feel his erection. Lust shot through him at the thought of going down on John. He'd never blown a guy, but for John he was willing to try it. He wanted to try it.
He let his hand fall down to John's fly, but John withdrew and pulled Rodney's hand away. Then he took a step back.
Before Rodney could reach out for him, the door opened and John slipped out, closing it behind him.
Rodney leaned against the wall. By the time he stepped outside, Sheppard was long gone.
"[...] however Dr. McKay did not manage to finish the repairs in time. [...]"
"I did what I could," Rodney said, running after John.
"I know," John said, not stopping.
Rodney didn't know why he was still following John. He had done his best. It hadn't been enough in this case, but they'd all survived, even if just barely. Still, John seemed angry.
"Then why are you mad at me?"
John continued walking.
John finally stopped. "I'm not mad at you," he said, only quickly glancing at Rodney.
"It sure looks like it," Rodney said, unable to keep the complaint from his voice.
"When you told me you wouldn't finish it in time, I should have thought of something else," John said, eyes on Rodney now.
Rodney frowned. He wasn't quite sure what John meant. Because yes, he maybe should have tried to find another solution, but they had only had limited options at the time. Rodney didn't blame him for what happened. He just didn't get why John didn't seem to feel the same way about him.
"You nearly died," John said through clenched teeth.
Was this why he was so frantic? They were in life or death situations so often, Rodney didn't know what was so different now. He suddenly had a flash of the dark closet, of wet warmth, of groans and the taste of his own come on John's tongue.
Sheppard had dismissed any attempt by Rodney to talk about it. So Rodney had left it at that. He took it as a one-time event, a moment of weakness that wouldn't be repeated other than in Rodney's mind that centered on the event, replaying and varying it over and over.
He had thought that John didn't really want this. Now he wasn't so sure. John looked almost desperate at the moment.
"I'm okay," Rodney said, trying to comfort if nothing else.
John lifted his hand to Rodney's vest, but then dropped it again.
So, he did want it.
Before John could run away again, Rodney grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the next closet. It wasn't the same one as before, but it was just as dark.
This time he opened his mouth, expecting John's kiss.
It was deep and wet and they were both panting when John pulled away. "I nearly let you die," he said.
John interrupted Rodney by pressing a hand over his mouth.
They stood like that in the dark, no sound apart from their breathing, for several seconds. Then John simply said, "Fuck!" pulled his hand away and kissed Rodney again.
Rodney put his arms around him. John made short work of Rodney's fly.
Rodney expected him to drop down on his knees again, but then he found himself being turned around and pressed into the wall.
John pushed himself against Rodney from behind. "I thought you could do it because you make me believe that you can do anything." It sounded almost reproachful.
This time John pushed a hand over Rodney's mouth before he could get out a single word.
"You make me believe the impossible," John whispered into Rodney's ear. "I can't even think..." He licked Rodney's ear, then nibbled his neck and removed his hand to push Rodney's pants and boxers down.
When he thrust his still clothed erection into Rodney's naked ass, panic rose in Rodney.
"I've never..." he stumbled out.
"Do you want it?" John asked, one hand slipping between them into the crack of Rodney's ass.
Rodney panted, trying to think this through. He'd touched himself and had fantasized about John fucking him, but it hadn't been like this. It had been gentle and romantic. What John wanted to do with him... Rodney was afraid of the raw passion that seemed to be driving John at the moment, even as his dick hardened at the thought.
"Yes or no, Rodney?" It was a demand.
Rodney tried to think of a way to refuse John and still make him understand that he did want it, just not like this. But his mouth seemed to have different ideas, because it whispered "Yes".
John nuzzled Rodney's hair for a second, then grappled with the vest pockets to get Rodney's hand cream.
At least he was going to prepare him and Rodney didn't want to think about what it said about his feelings for John that he hadn't been sure of that and still agreed to do it.
John turned Rodney's face sideways so that he could kiss him again, as he pressed one slick finger inside of Rodney.
Rodney forced himself to relax. He tried to imagine that this wasn't a supply closet and that this was exactly what he wanted.
John grabbed Rodney's erect cock and started stroking him.
"Going to fuck you," he whispered into Rodney's ear between kisses.
A second finger found its way inside Rodney. He was so overwhelmed by sensations that he hardly noticed the burn when John entered a third finger. He was stretched and kissed and stroked and licked.
Then John pulled out and removed his hand from Rodney's cock. Rodney heard the rustling of clothes and tried to brace himself for the intrusion. John positioned the head of his hard cock at Rodney's entrance.
Then he leaned forward and whispered, "Don't ever die on me, Rodney," and pushed inside.
John was too big. Rodney felt stretched beyond what was comfortable.
Then John started jerking Rodney's cock again, not stopping as he slowly but steadily drove in.
When John was fully inside, Rodney had to remind himself to breathe again. He gulped in air, and when John started moving, his panting turned into moans.
He heard his own moans before he felt the pleasure running through him.
John fucked and stroked him. He licked along Rodney's neck and kissed him. Then he adjusted his stance and when he pushed in again, he hit Rodney's prostate and Rodney groaned as the sensation shot through him like the explosion that had nearly cost their lives earlier that day.
John reacted immediately. He hit that spot again and again, concentrating his thrusts and bringing Rodney higher and higher.
Rodney was making embarrassing whimpering noises, but he couldn't stop himself. It felt too good to keep quiet. It felt so good that he thought his legs were probably going to give away any moment now, but John kept fucking him, hammering into him.
His hands were on Rodney's hips now. Rodney didn't mind. He didn't think he could take more than this. This was more than enough. He was being fucked into another state of existence. John was mercilessly drilling into him, repeatedly brushing against that spot inside of Rodney that would make him explode in a matter of seconds.
"John, please." Rodney wasn't sure what he was begging for. For John to finish him off, to take him over, to keep him there forever?
John reached around and stroked Rodney's cock and that was enough to make him climax. He shot over John's hand and against the wall, as John froze and then spilled inside of him, groaning into Rodney's ear.
He leaned against Rodney for a second before pulling out.
Rodney hissed. He had to lean against the wall to stay upright. He'd have to clean up the mess on the wall after catching his breath, but right now, he could only just manage not slumping to the ground. Behind him, he could hear John adjusting his clothes.
Sudden panic of being left alone again filled Rodney. He turned around and blindly pulled John into a kiss. John resisted, but then kissed back. It was a gentler kiss this time, maybe the gentlest kiss they'd ever shared and when he pulled away, John rested his forehead against Rodney's for a moment.
"Rodney..." he said, but didn't continue. Instead he pulled away and before Rodney could find the words to stop him, he slipped out of the little room, leaving Rodney once again alone.
"[...] Despite his efforts, Colonel Sheppard was unable to free the remaining Ulsukka. The first estimation of the death toll is 2500. [...]"
Rodney hadn't followed John after the post mission briefing.
He'd wanted to comfort him, he'd wanted to tell him something, anything, that would soften the blow of having to watch thousands of innocent men, women and children die because he couldn't get them out of their prison. But he hadn't had the words.
He still didn't have the words. And it wasn't just this.
Things were tense between them. John had refused any discussion about what had happened between them and this time Rodney simply couldn't pretend that it was nothing.
They continued working together, joking, arguing, saving each other and the galaxy, but Rodney was always aware of the weight of the things that they didn't say to each other.
He felt it now, too, but he tried to push it away. John needed a friend now. Ronon's understanding words and Teyla's comforting hand hadn't really helped. Rodney didn't actually think that he could do anything more, anything that would make it better, but he still had to try.
He let himself into John's room. It was dark, the only light coming from the two moons outside.
John lay on the bed. He'd gotten out of his boots, vest and jacket, but otherwise was still dressed. He lay sideways, legs pulled so that his feet wouldn't hang over the small bed.
He looked small himself, fragile. Rodney came closer. He'd hoped that the words would come, once he was here, but he still didn't know what he could possibly say to make a difference.
He sat down on the bed. John's back was to him, and he laid a hand on his shoulder.
John held his breath for a moment, then exhaled. He didn't say anything, but after a moment, he moved away from Rodney.
Rodney's hand dropped to the bed between them. He tried not to be disappointed. It wasn't as if he had expected to be able to comfort him. Still, he wished that John would allow him to give him something as simple as a reassuring touch. He didn't think he'd ever understand the logic that made it okay for them to have sexual encounters in closets, but not to accept simple acts of physical comfort.
He pulled his hand away. He was about to leave, when John reached behind him, searched for Rodney's hand, and placed it back onto his shoulder.
Rodney looked at the back of John's head. He couldn't make sense of it. First pulling away, out of reach, putting as much space between them as was possible on the small bed-
Rodney squeezed John's shoulder and stroked down his arm, before pulling away to get out of his shoes. When he was done, he settled himself behind John and put and arm around him, pulling him closer.
John moved back until he was pressing against Rodney's chest. He settled his hand over Rodney's, interlacing their fingers.
Rodney lightly kissed the back of John's head.
There was a long comfortable silence. Then John spoke.
"What are we doing, Rodney?"
Rodney wasn't sure what to say, because he wasn't entirely sure what John was asking. What were they doing here in the Pegasus Galaxy, where more often than not their actions seemed to destroy more lives that it saved them? What were they doing, dancing around each other because they didn't know what they could be? In the end he settled for something that he hoped covered both.
"The best we can. Nobody could ask for more."
"And that is enough?" John asked, stroking Rodney's hand with his thumb.
"It is for me."
John didn't say anything more for a while. Then he turned to face Rodney and Rodney was glad that the light of the moon made it possible for him to see John's face.
He had found the right words after all.
John moved into Rodney's arms and they kissed softly. Then John settled his head on Rodney's shoulder. He put his arms around Rodney, holding onto him and Rodney held him and kissed the top of his head.
They still lay that way as they fell asleep.